6/3/12

MMMMMMM

 

MASSPUBE/ MASSPUBETTE MAINE MOVE MAKES MASSPUBE MANIACAL

 

Dateline : Cornish, right next to Beefish, Maine

 

Frankly it was easier to partition India and Pakistan in 1948 and move all the god damn Moslems north and the asshat  Hindus south….hundreds of millions trading places …….

 

 

with less back and forth driving  than the Masspube and MassPubette  are doing.

 

Closing was last Tuesday. Went smoothly. House in great shape . It’s really a nice place.

 

But we are still down here in Swampscott,MA  as we await some medical tests on the newly named Hip-Pubette, but with or without her hip, we hope to be there by June 25th with a move of all the household goods on the 21st.

 

Or not………………..whatever

 

Its 2 hours from here each way. 

Never one to complain, I was up there and back Tuesday to close. 

 

Then Thursday I met some  contractors and get cable set up, sitting there from 7:45 am waiting for the cable guy who was scheduled for 8 to noon….who got there at 2pm.

Then Saturday: to meet another contractor ….. with The MassPubette who inspected  the new house ; 

like Ann Romney does before the maid leaves each evening.

 

 

 

I am happy to report that, though not easily amused,  

 

 

our MassPubette  

was mostly pleased.  

 

 

Electrician came on Thursday. 

Estimates $500-800 to clean up electrical wiring mess that former owner, 

Old Blind “Lightnin’, created when he wired it himself.

 

 ”Lightnin”  is nowhere to be found, but there were a lot of ashes near the circuit breaker box.

 

Plumber came  on Thursday and fixes bathroom hot water leak.

 

 Charges $100.00 and then we discover there’s no oil in the furnace

 and it was just dripping cold water and we’re ripping it out anyway.

 

Cable guy came and hooks us to Time Warner  and spends the first hour saying 

 ”What the f**k?”  Who in hell hooked up this cable? 

Wasn’t  a guy named “Old Blind Lightnin’ by any chance ,

 was it?”.

 

We actually followed one line of cable through an entire downstairs room and after walking all four walls where it was stapled found that it was hooked to itself.

 

He gets it all together, does a nice job and leaves at 4 pm for his 10:30 am appointment .

After he drives away , I note  that he forgot to put a phone jack in my new office room. 

Upon my next phone call, a very ‘customer service -oriented’ Time Warner said “No problem” and asked me to be sure and be there for the time that they immediately  scheduled this 2nd appointment for :

anytime  between 8 and noon  Thursday June 7th ,2012 through anytime between  8 and noon Friday June 8th, 2046.

 

We now have Maine license plates and, most importantly,  a “Cornish Memorial Library”  card, 

where they are anxiously awaiting the new first novel by an unknown , 

 

 

Louisa May Alcott. 

 

Til next week

Mainer G Krebs

 

4/29/12

masspube with the monday

4/29/12

 

 

HERE AT L’MANSE PUBE

 

 

 PACKING CONTINUES UNABATED 

 

It now seems that the closing date on the new house will be May 29th, 

the day after Memorial Day

 or, as Mainers like to call it, ’almost winter again”.

 

summer’s always fun in Maine

 

 

 We have packed approximately 22,000 boxes of absolutely vital goods for life in Maine.

 

 All that’s left here are a few articles of my clothing, the three that still fit…..

 and my food supply, 

just barely enough to get me through May including;

  700 lbs. of fresh herring 

 60 Entemann’s cheesecakes

 and

 

  74 boxes of Matzos 

 

plus 

The MassPubette’s 

complete personal food supply ,

consisting of 11 brussel sprouts

and 4,000 rolls of toilet paper.

 

 

Yes, it’s sparse, but frankly I miss nothing. 

In fact I like the boxes better than the shit we packed in them.

 

We’ll be moving to southern Maine ,so I’m packing appropriately for the warm southern weather.

 Hence we’re bringing my old Flori-DUH plaid Bermuda shorts, my complete NFL team logo set of tank tops and 

,of course,   my summer ,white yarmulkes, so we don’t stand out …..

 

 

 

I’m also packing my special ’coconut glass” for my every evening Pina Colada on the porch,

 giving new meaning in February to “frozen Pina Colada”….

which always reminds me of the  song:

 

 

 

If you like Pina Coladas,

getting caught in the rain.

If you’re also into moose turds,

then move up to Maine.

 

Coming with us in the car hooked onto  our brand new gun rack are

 a couple of shotguns ,purchased to ward off the black flies… 

 

newborn baby blackfly shown actual size below.

 

 

 

NO MASSPUBE NEXT WEEK. I’LL BE AWAY NEXT SATURDAY THROUGH WEDS NIGHT, MAY 5-9

 

 

Mass and Pube and the Flickers

 

 

The Descendants

We liked this movie starring George Clooney; it was thoughtful; even more than thoughtful than say “Iron Man 2″. If I had paid $8.00 or $9.00  a ticket for it, I would have expected the price included a hooker, but for $1.29 at Redbox, it was a-ok. The MassPubette really liked it. Well written by Alexander Payne who wrote SIDEWAYS and btw, this is not a light-hearted comedy.

4/9/12

MONDAY WITH THE MASSPUBE 4/9/12

THE RAIN  IN MAINE  ROLLS PLAINLY TO OUR DRAIN

 

 

Finishing up the deal on the Maine house this week after talking to the mold removal guy 

whom me and our realtor only refer to as 

“Mold Man”

aka

 

 

This whole process took forever  because we all mold over his first estimate for a few weeks 

Upon completion, I took him out for a drink and he ordered Hot Mold Cider.

When he was born, they threw away the mold …..and now he feels like he’s mold before his time .

He’s writing his auto-biography about business espionage  when he retires ….which will be called …. 

“The Guy who Came in from the Mold”

and then he sang for me his favorite business song,

  ”Baby, its Mold outside”.

 

Luckily our mold is a minor issue 

 

 

 

 

Mold Man is remediating it at current owner’s expense with a non-carcinogenic blend of chemicals

 , supposedly….. although he was hard to understand ,what with all the projectile vomiting 

 followed by the 5-8 minute coughing, hacking and wheezing  fits….

and, if he lasts,  he offers a 30 year guarantee .

 

Considering I’ll be 94 then,

 

   

I asked him to reduce it to a twenty year guarantee, so , at least,  I’d have chance of cashing in on it.

 

********************************

 

MASSPUBE’S  ’MIXED RACE” FAMILY  CELEBRATES 2012 PEASTER  SEASON

 

Perhaps you do not know this, but “The Family MassPube” is of mixed race;

  made up of  Jewish ( MassPube)  and other (The MassPubette) 

 

Hence we begin the readings for the holiday with ancient ecumenical script:

 

There was a young gentile named Paul

who went  to a Passover costume ball.

He thought he would risk it

and came dressed as a briskit,

  

but a Jew ate him up in the hall.

 

It’s PEASTER

 

the ecumenical holiday when we celebrate how  Jesus led the Hebrews from Egypt, 

walking them over the Red Sea, and is sadly captured on the Egyptian side by Pharoah’s army just 

 because he waited too long for his bread to rise …….

 

  (“Oy vay ,this is delicious , it’s a vonder” he yelled)

 

 

 

 … and is then resurrected to heaven after Pharoah crucifies him .

 

 

 

  PEASTER 

is the holiday for all. 

 

If you think that story’s nuts,wait’ll you hear the one the other guys  cooked up.

 

 For dinner we’ll be having briskit with 3-Bean salad and a slice of Wonder Bread. 

 

And for dessert, Jewish Coffee Cake ( made with real sour cream) and Arab coffee (made with real sour Arabs).

 

My favorite part is when the Jews color all the matza boards and hide them around the yard 

so gentile children can look for them and find them …. so that they feel successful , 

 

 

while the Jewish children, ages 4 and up,  use the time more wisely to study for their medical boards.

 

Mention this E mail and receive a free pass to opening night 

of the new ecumenical 3-D  Peaster  movie at a theatre near you… 

 

JESUS CHRIST, SUPERJEW

 

 

 

FEEL FREE TO SING ALONG TO THE THEME SONG IN THE THEATRE

 

Jesus Christ , SuperJew,

Used the leftover briskit to make a stew.

He’s our guy!

He won’t sink us!

Who’d guess that his real name 

 was Irving Pincus?

 

*****************************************************************

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES

 

 

 

YOUNG ADULT with Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt was OK. About an alcoholic, very depressed young writer of fiction who becomes obsessed with her old boyfriend when she hears that he and his wife just had a a baby  and concocts an insane  plan to win him back. It’s a dark movie with a light side….and seemed  far-fetched, until we remembered that we know someone who did exactly that with obvious results.

 

3/19/12

MAINE REALTY AGENCY MAKES MAJOR SALE

REALTOR’S DREAM COMES TRUE

 

In a major transaction between our beloved  realtor in Maine and The MassPube family ,

last Saturday he sold us two  Saccopee Valley ‘Local Business’ Discount Coupon Books for $20.00 each.

 

 

 

 Included in his sales pitch  for the booklets was the mention of a $50.00 gift certificate in each book from his real estate firm

for use at the local business of our choice ’upon a completed transaction’.

 

I gave him the $40.00

He gave us the coupon books.

I asked for my two gift certificates.

He said ”Only upon a completed transaction”

 

I said, ”This is a completed transaction.We’re sitting in your office . I gave you $40 and you gave me the coupon books…hence I ‘d like the certificates now unless you’d like to deal with my attorneys who, frankly, can be real dicks.”

 

 

 

Frightened , like a deer in the headlights,  at the sound of a Jew mentioning the word “attorney”

 

 

 

he said, “All right. What local business do you want the certificates made out to?”

 

I answered , ”Remax , down the street. We’re buying a house today.”

 

 

 

AND WE DID…………..from him, not REMAX. 

 

Mostly because he promised us a ride in his  real estate balloon!

 

 

 

We still have inspection to go through before its final (Monday 3/19as in tomorrow ) , but we did purchase a house in Cornish Maine ( which is southern Maine, exactly in between Portland and North Conway, NH) 2 hours north of where we are now) exactly where we wanted to be….on a hill with nice views ….in seemingly excellent condition…..on 5 forested acres with a huge  garage and an above ground swimming pool with a deck, a brand new kitchen, 5 bedrooms including a master suite, finished basement, total  first floor living if we wish …………and 2 1/2 baths 

 

 

and I won’t embarrass you by telling you how much it cost except to say 

 that its approximately the same price as your house……………..in 1945.

 

 

 

Beautiful part of the world and I know you’ll want to visit. 

(For example, this is Mount Washington , btw, in New Hampshire’s White Mountains

 which we have a clear view of  1/2 mile away from the house )

 

So I have already taken the liberty of booking you in….

for Feb 3-5, 2019. 

We’ll be out of town at a bowel cleansing conference for the elderly that weekend! 

Please feed the cat and clean his litter box daily.

 

****************************

 

OUT OF ”LUCK”

 

 

 

HBO’s terrific new horse -racing drama series

LUCK

…….. a series with great acting, great writing and extremely realistic photography; cinematography so real that its just as though the horses were actually injured and had to be put down… has been cancelled  because , so far, in filming it, three horses have been killed.

 

Oh?

 

Well, HBO also offers 

Life’s Too Short, 

 

 

 

 

the comedy/pretend documentary ( like “The Office”) concerning the ‘has-been” , dwarf British actor Warwick Davis….. produced , written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.

 

 Extremely sick humor and absolutely hysterical …….and what concerns me, and I’m sure it concerns others who watch the show too,  is that it too will be cancelled if dwarfs face any life-threatening dangers or are hurt or killed during production….and cancelling it for flimsy reasons like that would be a shame because it is such a funny show.

 

Horses, I get…but dwarfs?  Hell, they can’t even run that fast. 

 

It is my hope that LUCK doesn’t start some sort of trend.

 

Like all of us, I realize that dwarfs were put here to here to share our world  for things like dwarf -bowling 

and for portraying  Munchkins and Ewoks ….and , that said, it is my hope that Ricky Gervais stands up for his series ,

 

should some liberal heart start bleeding near him.

 

Check out the series. It’s funny.

 

**********************

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES

 

Watched 

1.  Cookie’s Fortune , the Robert Altman film from 1999 which was terrific. Had never seen it before

    2.  The Razor’s Edge from 1946 with the one and only Tyrone Power, remade in 1981 with Bill Murray.

3. Taking my niece and nephew to see ‘John Carter’ today

3/12/12

Monday with the MassPube 3/12/12

 

MASSPUBETTE REPORTS ON THE CELTICS 

 

Last Sunday we watched a great game, Celtics-Knicks and the Celts pulled it out in overtime, 115-111.

 Rondo scored 18 and it was a great effort all around.

 

 

 

On Tuesday, I get a call from  The MassPubette, calling in from the car on the way into work, to tell me that she just heard on the radio that we missed the “second”  Celtics -Knicks game on Monday night … and that the Celtics won 115-111 in overtime and Rondo scored 18 and it was a great effort all around.

 

I thought to myself,”Wow, there’s a coincidence ”, so I checked it out and sho’nuff, there was no Monday game !

 

Of course, WUMB, the  folk music station that she listens to 

 

 

(motto: We’re not DUMB . We’re WUMB” “) 

 

had simply missed a day and reported a Sunday game on Tuesday ….  probably because  their folksy sports director , Sprots Klotz (below)  had found out that, in fact,  the answer, my friend, was blowing something into the wind …..as in:

 

 

 ”Oh man, like what happened to Monday , Dude. I gotta cut down on the Humboldt Gold…read this Celtics stuff  and get me coffee”. 

 

The MassPubette, after hearing other  Tuesday WUMB sports news,  reports that …

 

The Red Sox have traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees 

and 

The Indianapolis Colts will select Peyton Manning in the first round of the NFL draft 

and

James J. Braddock defeated Max Baer for the World’s Heavyweight Championship

 

***********

(btw, if you want to see one of the best boxing movies ever, 

watch Ron Howard’s “Cinderella Man”, a movie few saw which  is absolutely great,

 the story of James J Braddock with Russell Crowe, Renee Zellwegger, Paul Giamatti and Bruce McGill.

 

********************************

 

MOUSE MUNTING IN HAINE

I mean

HOUSE HUNTING IN MAINE

 

Our realtor in Maine 

 

 

(God, he looks familiar)

 

has shown us 2200 houses. 

 

The only houses he missed showing us in all of Maine were ones his own company and agents  listed, 

even though they seemingly meet our requirements exactly. 

 

Why?

 

Hmm, well, he has become more and more snobby as we drive around Maine  with him every Saturday since 1974

 

 

 

  and perhaps after spending so much time with us,

 

, he chooses not to have The MassPubette as a neighbor .

 

 

Or maybe it’s his wife who , right after she met us , got out a mathematical compass and a map of the area 

and drew a wide circle on the map  with their house in the center ……..

 

and wrote

if you put them anywhere inside this circle, I’m moving out..and I’m taking the dog!”

 

Yet, we remain drawn to him like moth to a porch-light…….although ,so far , the best place we’ve seen is his office.

 

The only  sales comparison I can make would be someone calling an ultra-conservative talk radio station 

 and saying that they’d like to sponsor a 

” drug addicted ,egomaniacal, woman-hating  blabbermouth who spouts venomous nonsense out of his blowhole for 3 hours a day”

 

 

 

and the salesguy says, 

 

 

“Sorry, we have no one who fits that criteria. Try WUMB”

 

 

***************************

 

LITTLE MASSPUBE’S 25TH BIRTHDAY ….(MARCH 9) …..GREETINGS FROM DADA

 

 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU

YES,TO LITTLE MASSPOO

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LITTLE MASSPUBE 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YUBE

 

 

 

 

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES 

 

HBO’S GAME CHANGE

 

 

 

Good flick and great acting all around with Woody Harrelson and Julianne Moore and Ed Harris as we learn about how Sarah Palin came to be and that basically she loves her family, is seemingly a decent person but is just so god damn unworldly and stupid…… and simply got caught in a whirlwind of a mess for just those reasons….. and to me, this movie quite simply places 98% of the blame squarely on the McCain campaign staff that did not vet  her and realized too late that she is about as qualified  to be president  as Harry , my office goldfish, ( who , fyi is now polling ahead of Romney in Alabama and Mississippi after Harry  announced on Thursday.) . 

 

I honestly believe Palin  was too stupid to even know what she needed to know…and thought, “he’s asking, why not?”; like her irresponsible daughter  did when Levi asked if he could place his huge weiner  inside her ‘down there’ for a few moments.

 

I thought the best lines of the movie was when she wanted to join in the concession speech and Steve Schmidt made the speech about the right way to concede in a momentous moment.

3/5/12

MONDAY WITH THE MASSPUBE 

3/5/12

 

AS JEWS AGE

part 1 of an ongoing medical series of warning to other aging  Jews 

 and those who may come in contact with them

 

ANTI-MONKEE SYNDROME

 

So far, only one case  in the US, but be warned, there are three more Monkees to go. 

 

As some of you may know, Davy Jones, late of The Monkees and inventor of the sea-going death locker, died of a heart attack this week. 

 

In the NY Times obit  , this was the last paragraph:

Perhaps Mr. Jones’s most enduring legacy takes the form of a name. The name belongs to another English musician, who burst on the scene some years after the Monkees. This man, too, had been born David Jones. But thanks to the Monkees’ renown, he knew he would have to adopt another name entirely if he was to have the hope of a career.So he called himself David Bowie.

 

Innocent enough ending anecdote thought I, so I nicely sent it to my fellow NYT reader , a David Bowie fan and professional bony- assed snob, also a  man with a temper so vile we must use the psuedonym ” Steven S Klootz”  lest he turn violent and attack his neighbors…..

 

He  wrote back immediately ……. after swallowing 30 Valium to

 keep calm after reading the inflammatory prose in that paragraph:

 

I rather despised the Monkees, and looking back, I see that they were just another in the long list of reasons that teevee blows dead artifacts.  They were even less genuine than Milli Vanilli, and the bubble gum pop written for them to lip-synch and perform like trained apes (hence the name?) had me slamming my fingers into thw car radio to change stations.  Plus the wholesome we’re-not-druggies-and-scum-like-those-Beatles-and-Stones message for the teeny-boppers to gtoove to.  Gag me.Not that I’d expect the Fugs to have a teevee show.

 

Well, there’s a normal response. ….50 years later !

 

What could I say, so I wrote him back and reminded him to a) go eat some matzahs and calm down & b) to remember that ”Rise of the Planets of the Apes” , which he had recently seen, was , in fact , fiction……. and his wife should have made that clear before she strapped him down to watch it…..

 

 

 

and then, most importantly , that The Monkees meant him no harm. And in fact, they weren’t even real monkeys.

 

He  (below left, visiting his mom at assisted living) seems to have calmed down a little and 

is once again letting his wife  pull bugs and twigs out of his fur .

 

 

 

********************************************

AS GENTILES AGE

part 1 of an ongoing series

 

Long time diet of  Wonder Bread and Oleo proves to end conversational ability early

 

 

One of my good friends, a college professor, psychology, no less  wrote me an e mail to tell me he is retiring at the end of the semester and wrote , ”and they even gave me a great exit agreement”.

 

I called him the next day and said , ”Good news about retiring . What was the exit agreement about?”

 

His answer, “I can’t tell you !. Its a secret. I can tell no one.”

 

 

 

My response , “then why the hell did you bring it up. I’ll have to assume 

 that you were fired for having sex with the school team mascot, “Bah Bah the Ram”

 

 

 and that they gave you severance once they extricated you from Bah Bah  and 

that the agreement was because Bah Bah told human resources since their was a kid inside the suit..”

 

 

 

I then invited he and his lovely, always-organized wife to come visit us in Maine  when our house deal happens.

 

“Great,   when….. and where will you be buying”, he asked

 

I replied, “I’m sorry , I can’t tell you that. Its in the secret agreement between me and the house. Why are you asking?”

 

 

 

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES 

 

50/50

 

 

 

50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt  and Seth Rogen is a very funny and touching movie about a 27 year old guy 

who gets serious cancer …..and his best friend’s reactions  during treatment . Just a really good movie with good acting…

Anna Kendrick and Angelica Huston. are also in the cast. 

 

*******************

 

HANNA

 

 

On HBO last night, contrived horseshit by the end, but which starts off beautifully thought out and photographed and then…..well it had a secret  agreement it could not tell the audience. It was just between the director and the camera. Someday he’ll let all of us know.. Cate Blanchette and Eric Bana are the stars Recommended by my friend  Thorvald  who is excellent on recommending historic epics ( Anonymous and Perfume) but sucks at all others.  

2/27/2012

monday with the masspube 2/27/12

NEWS FROM THE EXETER BOOK CLUB

Here’s the bad news:

All members of  The MassPubette’s  all-female Book Club are getting an ”I’m with Stupid” T shirt , …everybody except The MassPubette.

 

I won’t go into the lurid details but suffice it to say that when one of the members made a joke and said something like she’d “never move to Virginia because the government is trying to put too many things into her ‘hoohah” ( referring to VA’s idiotic bill about vaginal ultrasounds before abortions that was vetoed by the governor) ……..

 

…….the word “Hoo Hah” sadly  and immediately short-circuited The MassPubette’s  translation modem which went out of date, even on her home  planet, 30 years ago as The MassPubette thought the woman was announcing that she had a penis.

 

And then, to add insult to injury, The MassPubette immediately invoked Amendment  17 of The Exeter Book Club constitution (The “No-Boys Allowed” amendment),  demanding that the woman with the penis  resign immediately.

 

She’s been mixed up  ever since she was assigned to memorize this limerick in 3rd grade

 

  for Show and Tell .

 

There was a gay young man from Khartoum

who took a lesbian up to his room.

They argued all night

Over who had the right

To do what and with which and to whom.

and to this day she mixes up trains and tunnels, hot dogs and doughnuts,swords and scabbards, plugs and outlets and thermometers and rectums .

But the tale has a happy ending. 

The club re-voted and they got The MassPubette a T-Shirt too

 

 

AND FYI  SERVED FOR DINNER AT THE LAST MEETING  OF THE BOOK CLUB

    

MENU TAKEN FROM “THE KLINGON KOSHER  KOOKBOOK”

**********************************************

FROM

  

A WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT 

Your MassPube likes to read through the wedding announcements each Sunday to see which brides I’d like to bonk and  I stumbled upon this announcement  last week, re Bill Kristol’s daughter, no less.  See if you can spot the hypocrisy……and btw, she did not make the list! I have very high standards.

 

 

Anne Kristol and Matthew Continetti

Published: February 19, 2012

Anne Elizabeth Kristol, a daughter of Susan S. Kristol and William Kristol of McLean, Va., is to be married Sunday evening to Matthew Joseph Continetti, a son of Cathy Continetti and Joseph F. Continetti of Springfield, Va. Rabbi David Kalender is to officiate at the Ritz-Carlton in Washington.

  

The bride, 26, who will be taking her husband’s name, is studying for a master’s in secondary education at George Washington University. She graduated from Washington University in St. Louis.Her father is the editor of The Weekly Standard, the political journal, in Washington. The bride is a granddaughter of Gertrude Himmelfarb, the historian and author, and the late Irving Kristol, the political commentator and author.The bridegroom, 30, is the editor of The Washington Free Beacon, a political Web site, and works in Washington. He is also a contributing editor for The Weekly Standard. He is the author of “The K Street Gang: The Rise and Fall of the Republican Machine” and “The Persecution of Sarah Palin: How the Elite Media Tried to Bring Down a Rising Star.” He graduated from Columbia.

What an odd place for Matty Bridegroometti to announce his wedding !

Because Matty the Bridegroom had no problem de-nouncing  the so-called ‘elite’ media  in his book about how Sarah was demonized , but he also seems to have no problem at all in announcing his own wedding in the same horrid, liberal  elitist media he so disdains; just to be sure that their ’oh-so-few’ elitist friends and relatives see it .

And non-elite kudos to him for agreeing to  having the wedding at ”the YMCA of the non -elite”, The Ritz Carlton….

Matt’s next book is auto-biographical : 

DOUCHEBAG : 

How the Elite Media Announced my Wedding

For lovely  little Anne they could have just announced  the wedding to the non-elitist readership of The 

 

and for bridegroom Matt Continetti , they could have gone  instead  for 

 The Italian Daily News

  whose motto is 

 

“We print every time a dagos by”

**********************

 NO MOVIES THIS WEEK. DIDN’T WATCH A SINGLE ONE.

2/20/12

monday with the masspube 2.20.12

 

MASSPUBE FINISHES THE JOB

 

My step-brother’s step-son Zach got married to Stacey in Chicago. 

We could not make the wedding, but still, of course, wanted to send them a gift.

 

 

Luckily Your MassPube was at the ready.

 

 I immediately allowed  The MassPubette to check their registry, talk to my sister in law to find out exactly what they wanted, then purchase the gift card at the right store and buy a nice card to send it off in.

 

The MassPubette then  laid it all out on the kitchen counter. 

So much for the easy part !

 

She then politely asked me to get their address and mail it, and then complimented me by comparing  my past and forthcoming efforts  in this matter of the gift to those of the great Negro actor,

  Stepin Fethcit .

 

 

 

And so began the long 3-step process of

 

1. placing the card into the envelope,

 

2. addressing  the envelope, 

and

 

 

3.  depositing it securely  into a federally operated box-like facility to be delivered to their home in Chicago

 

Hence I took over.

 

 The card laid on the counter for three weeks as I carefully thought about 

exactly where to place the stamp and which location to drop  it off at……

once I got the address which took, of  the three weeks,  20 days .

 

Why?

Because this required high tech electronic transmission messaging to the young man’s mother, my sister in law, Dru …………………..and I take technology seriously.

 

 It had to be said succinctly ( like this article)  with no wasted words. 

 

In the end, after never ending editing, it read,   ”Dru, send me Zack’s address”

 

Hence Dru  was able to easily understand it immediately and she sent me back

 the address in less than a minute. 

 

I addressed the envelope and then thought about the best way to get it to a mailbox… a task which fell to me since The MassPubette  once again ignored  my suggestion to drop it off on the way to work on her commute; ignored except for a long string of  horrific  personalized epithets aimed at yours truly  by The MassPubette ….best not written here in case the young should see this tome. 

 

 

 Once her  selfish decision was made, I decided to wait until the Swampscott Library notified me that a book I requested was waiting for me because there’s a mailbox right  outside the library and, in this day and age, why help the god-damn Arabs and waste gas?

 

Well, luckily for Zack and Stacey, I’m happy to say that Edgar Rice Burroughs’ ” TARZAN OF THE APES’  was picked up by yours truly on Thursday last ( excellent, by the way)  …. and that the gift is now on it’s way, all thanks to The MassPube. 

 

 

Obviously it could have gotten there sooner 

 had The MassPubette done just a little bit more…..just a little bit more.

 

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MASSPUBE JUDGES EDUCATION INDUSTRY COMPETITION

 

That’s correct. I be the Judge.

 

 

Here come de judge

Here come de judge 

Order in the court

’cause here come the judge

 

 My initial comment to the first one I judged, 

“Guilty , Death, Allah Akbar” 

 

   

was met by hysterics by the industry-ite who knows me all too well.  

 

This past week I had to judge a specialized school social networking product this week , all done over the Internet and demo’ed by someone  at the company, my friend Deb.

 

The reason for the product  is to provide  a

 ’safe and secure  social networking product for the school , an alternative to Facebook , 

that would eliminate any profanity, cyber-bullying etc.

 

Well, that part works, but , as I discovered, they forgot to put a safety mechanism in for pictures.

 

 In other words, any kid in the group can put any picture up there. 

 

As I mentioned to Deb who was demo’ing it,

“So Susie’s little brother can walk into her room, see she left the computer on to the network, upload the picture he took of either (verbatim)  …..A) his own schmeckle   or …B) his big sister in the shower ….and no one, a teacher or principal , approves the picture before it goes up  on the “Future Homemakers Club ” networking site for all to see”.

 

A PERFECT EXAMPLE MIGHT BE :

 

“in happy homemaking , always carefully arrange the glass bottles on high cabinets to be sure that they cannot fall off unexpectedly”

 

 

Her exact words as I pointed this out to her was ,

“God dammit, Judge Pube ( pronounced professionally ,”Pew-bay”), you’re right! I can’t believe it. How disappointing”

 

My response , 

 

 

“Deb, the only real disappointment is that not a single kid at any school has thought of it yet. 

I’m 64 and I thought of it. What the hell is wrong with these kids today!”

 

She agreed …. and then asked if she had to actually use the word ”schmeckle”  in her report.

 

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES 

 

 

 

ANONYMOUS  is a very good movie, I gotta tell you, but very complicated. Is the Earl of Oxford actually the writer of Shakespeare’s plays and sonnets; a nobleman who can’t go public because his plays are , in those days, political and he can’r risk pissing off Elizabeth I and her court…..and because  plays are more for the common rabble in the audience. He hires Ben Johnson as a front…..who realizes that the plays are so good , it isn’t his voice…so he in turn hires an illiterate actor named Will Shakespeare to take credit…..all against the setting ofwho will succeed Elizabeth. Big movie and astounding effects of Shakespeare’s London. 

2/13/12

MONDAY WITH THE MASSPUBE 2/13/12

 

MASSPUBE’S VALENTINE’S GIFT TO

THE MASSPUBETTE

 

 

 

THIS GREAT GIFT IDEA (below) POPPED UP FROM “GROUPON” THIS WEEK

 

Hour Long Boudoir Photo Shoot $775.00 value …… for $125.00 

There’s something so appropriate about a “disposable” camera — you rarely remember where you put it and the photos and memories from it are often forgotten. If you want memories that really stick — and you’ve got the right equipment in tow — pick up today’s deal from photographers in North Chelmsford. Pay $125 for a sultry, one-hour boudoir photo shoot with a one-hour viewing session plus one 8×10 print and digital file — a $775 value. This husband-and-wife photography team will school you in scandalous poses, the kind that’ll stay on your beau’s mind all the time. You’ll leave with confidence and a set of pics that — unlike your throw-away cam — will be around for a long, long time.

 

Your MassPube is going for it!

 

 

  I knew this would be a great gift to

The MassPubette.

 

 

This guy is truly a pro photographer!

 

 

 

Here’s the first shot of me unedited  :

 

  

 

 

  and then after some minor  professional airbrushing 

 

 

 

 

 

and then the final copy…..

 after my $125.00 check bounced.

 

.

 

 

But who cares about me.

 It’s the ”Insatiable Taboo Vixen” 

( shown at Swampscott beach below

)herself that we all want to see.

 

 

 

IMAGINE 

 the she-spider  herself  posing solo  in one of her ‘come-hither”  winter boudoir outfits…. 

 

 

 

lovingly  and ‘ever-so-subtly’ luring    

to her web.

 

 

 

8X10 GLOSSIES WILL BE AVAILABLE TO ALL. 

MENTION THIS NEWSLETTER AND RECEIVE A 3% DISCOUNT ON ANY ORDER OVER $ 400.00

 

 

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OUR WEEKENDS IN MAINE

 

 

 

As we look to buy a place in Maine, our realtor Paul, has become our Saturday driver 

 

 

 

( we like to give our regular driver ,Crawley, the weekend off)   

 

and has shown us close to 2200 homes to date.  

 

Usually a calm person, he asked me if I thought we are ever actually going to buy a house anytime in the next 100-150 years, as he’s really starting to miss his family on the weekends.

 

 

 

 I responded  , “Buy a house? No. We always wanted to see Maine and  I thought that  the cheapest way would be to have a realtor show us around in his car. By the way, turn here for New England’s biggest ball of string…and also, are there any homes for sale near Acadia National Park. Let’s go there next week.”

 

 

Of course he starts to laugh and while he is laughing I ask him  why 

so many houses in Maine are decorated on the outside with one or more large 5 pointed stars. 

 

 He turns to me and deadpans  , ”Oh, the stars! They  mean ‘We won’t sell to Jews”.

 

He’s good, but not that good!

 

 I come back with, “Paul, why are so many houses  listed as  ”2-3-4 bedrooms with one bathroom? Does this  mean that all Mainers basically like to sniff each other’s stool and that they feel more comfortable when they  doody together in the same spot, like canines? 

 

 

 

His answer was

“We’re not stupid up heah, y’know. We will put in more toilets once we’re sure its not just a passing fad”

 

 

 

 

This past Saturday , Paul sent us along with another ‘realtor’ from his office ( who on Friday was one of those guys who hang out near Home Depot looking for day work) …… as he pretended he went to Florida , but late in the day on Saturday , we found him hiding in a “Saddam Hussein” like hole in the ground behind his office  living on pumped in Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwiches . 

 

“Oh Allah, not them !”

were the last we heard , 

 

 

as he escaped running into the forest.

2/5/12

NEW ENGLAND PATRIOTS vs ”OTHER”

 

 

Why is it that we phonetically call them The Pay-triots with the ‘ay’ sound, 

but we shorten the word to (phonetically) Paaa-ts as in  ’Go Pats”, like the sheep sound?

 

  

 

The inquiring minds of sports fans want to know !

 

It’s one of the few things that has been ignored as we learn everything about each team all week long . 

 

 

Yes, Vince Wilfork uses two-ply, reports channel 7, in answer to a question posed by Pats enthusiast R. Berger.

 

 

As I write, your MassPube remains nervous about this game. 

 

 

My hopes rest with Gisele Bundchen, Tom Brady’s wife. 

 

 

 

While she’s obviously no MassPubette, she has a certain appeal to some and it is my sincere hope that if Tom wants oral sex  on Saturday night while she’s wearing a Nazi uniform and standing in a vat of mashed egg whites while singing the final aria of Wagner’s “The Ring of the Nibelung” in Portuguese……, just as The MassPubette does for me very third Wednesday……. she accomodates him, because if he’s feeling unfulfilled and has a bad Sunday, I will not be able to  enjoy the light meal and snacks

 

 

 

that The MassPubette

has  prepared  for my viewing pleasure.

 

 

So, Gisele, you go Girl….

 

just do what I taught you….

 

 because noted football fan “Schmatman”  

 

 

 and I look forward to a big and successful win !

 

**********************************

OTHER NEWS FROM THE WORLD OF SPORTS

J’syrACUSE.

An affidavit filed in a slander suit against  Syracuse University and basketball coach Jim Boeheim says the wife of fired assistant Bernie Fine had sex with players, and several people associated with the program knew about it, including Fine.

In the affidavit, Bobby Davis, a former ball boy with the men’s team, says he was present on several occasions with basketball players when he heard them speaking of having sex with Laurie Fine.

 

Laurie ( above) , who plays ‘every 65 year old Jewish lawyer’s first wife’ on TV, denies this as do the players who thought , when they agreed to the night of enchantment, that  Coach Bernie said,

“How would you like  to spend the night with Larry Fine”. 

 

 

***********************************

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES

 

EASY A

  

 

This was a really enjoyable comedy which got well-deserved great reviews last year. Emma Stone was terrific with Stanley Tucci and the the always wonderful Patrica Clarkson as her ultra-liberal parents,  ….. Thomas Haden Church and Lisa Kudrow in this high school update of “The Scarlet Letter”; about how rumors spread and the affect they can have, it is so well-written and so clever and so much fun. Highly recommended 

 

*******************************

 

   

 

 CONTAGION 

 started off great but then meandered into a bunch of odd tangents that played like a bad  mini series on TV….Steven Soderbergh directed and the first hour is pretty damn good, but it got lost.