The Weekly Adventures of The MassPube

7/23/12

MAINEly MassPube
7/23/12
The Chronicles of Walter FilterMAINE
 
 
I ,Walter FilterMAINE and my spouse, Mrs. Walter FilterMAINE,
 aka
  The Cornish Hen 
 need to purchase a vehicle because we found out on Monday that  the heater core  in my beloved 2002  Mitsubishi Galant has heated its last core.
 
 
Not that we need heat now, 
but our Almanac says 
that in Maine at some point , we will need heat….even though our realtor
 told us it never gets below 70 in Cornish.
 
With the cost  around $1000.00 and 167,000 miles on the car, it isn’t worth fixing.
 
However , we’re keeping the car!
 
Why?
 
Because Mitsubishi thinks ahead!
 
That’s why!
 
See,they carefully engineered the air conditioning on our other car, a 2002 Mitsubishi Lancer (bought the same day as the Galant) to blow out two summers ago with an approximate cost of $1600.00 to replace . 
 
We never did .
 
And finally, now, my well-thought- out plan has worked.
 
My yin and yang are now in perfect harmony……
 
 
 
with one Mitsubishi for summer…
 
   
 
and one for winter use.
 
 
 
 because one has a heater and no a/c …….and one has a/c but no heater.
 
 
Those damn Koleans think of evelything when it comes to cal lepails!
 
 
 
 
 
Two cars…Two people. 
Seems easy , doesn’t it?
 
But here’s the rub!
 
Even though I offered 
The Cornish Hen
 
the use of the Galant in winter and the Lancer in summer, she selfishly refused. 
 
I told her that, in  that case, she could hitch to her Boston office. She tried,
 
but nobody picked her up.
 
Well, I was going to buy her a 4 wheel drive in September or October!
 
 
But amazingly  my mechanic from Swampscott, the man who  has taken care of my cars for seven years…whom I trust 100%, is selling his all-wheel drive Honda Pilot ….and has offered it to us for a much, much much lower price than Blue Book cost.
 
The Cornish Hen  
 
 
 
has yet to see the car.
It is her decision as she’ll be driving it to Boston, and she will see it and drive it today or tomorrow when she makes her twice monthly trip to her office in Brighton……which are those few glorious days that I can live the life of fanciful freedom for which I yearn ….until her safe return.
 
*********************
 
GREAT LAKE WARRIORS
The History Channel 10 pm EST Thursday
 
An inside  look at the personal correspondence of Walter FilterMAINE to show Executive Producer and creator Martin Bernstein:
 
Dear Bartin Mernstein,
 
On the basis of watching the premiere of GLW on Thursday, I, Walter FilterMAINE have decided that I have the  perfect physique to become a tugboat captain, lean and in perfect body fat proportion. However,The Cornish Hen, an expert in Tugboat HR, believes I need to gain 100 lbs. before I apply.
 
 
I even have a name for myself for next season, “Captain Schlomo”. Do you think there will be an after market for ‘Captain Schlomo T-shirts and mugs”?
 
Little known true Great Lakes fact ,Marty, you may wish to explore……..Did you know that when the Edmund Fitzgerald went down and all it’s stuff broke loose , a Jewish guy in Duluth wrote the original song . It was about all that stuff that washed up on the lakeshore . It was called “The Dreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald”.
 
Best regards and congrats on a great show, Martino
Kissies
Walter FilterMAINE
 
 
WALTER FILTERMAINE’S 
THUMBS UP 
 
 
OR
 DOWN
 
REPORT ON THE FLICKERS
 
The Thief of Baghdad
 
 
On TCM last week, this Oscar winner from 1940 for Best Special Effects, Best Art Direction and Best Music was absolutely astounding. I had never seen it. It’s like watching the birth of “Raiders of the Lost Ark”.
 
Produced by Alexander Korda, directed in part by the incredible Michael Powell who also directed The Red Shoes and Black Narcissus as well as the originally banned film from the mid fifties  ‘Peeping Tom”, 
 
 
 
one of the greatest psychological thrillers ever, so nuts it was banned in the US and Britain ….and Art Direction by the under-rated master William Cameron Menzies who later went on to direct the original 
INVADERS FROM MARS. 
Look at the art direction and sets in it. Talk about making lemonade from lemons. He takes what should have been a piece of crap, made so cheaply you can see the zippers in the martian costumes…..and for the first time ever shoots from a child’s point of view which is what made it so scary and memorable to kids  …..a technique used next by Steven Spielberg in “E.T.” which is what made that so powerful.

July 22, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

7/16/12

GREAT LAKES WARRIORS

 PREMIERES ON THE HISTORY CHANNEL THURSDAY AT 10 EST
 
Long standing in the shadow of Walter FilterMAINE is Chicagoan  Marty Bernstein , FOWF and Executive Producer/Creator of 
Great Lakes Warriors 
which will premiere on Thursday, July 19th @ 9pm Central. 
The History Channel has made the Great Lake Warriors web link live. 
Watch the videos, read about the captains crews and vessels. Enjoy, and please share this with everyone .
 
 
 
*****************************************************************************************************************
THE CHRONICLES OF WALTER FILTERMAINE
7/16/12
 
 
 
THE JEWISH HANDYMAN 
 
Like Batman and the Bat signal
 
 
 
I, The Jewish Handyman,
Walter FilterMAINE
 saw the “call to action ” beacon ( shown below)
 
 
 
as it lit up the skies over Cornish ! 
 
What caused the world to to call me back for another deployment?
 
Well, our main level guest bathroom ( near what was the guest bedroom) is being completely rehabbed in November…..by professionals 
 
 It’s pretty bad…the flange ( you should pardon the language) is loose under the toilet so when the toidy is in use and you bend to wipe either yourself ……or whomever you happen to be wiping…. , 
 
 
the toilet moves with you, but it does work and flush. Of course, ya never know!
 
I might add that  the floor has been ruined due to the bad flange and 
there is no hot water in that bathroom; shut off due to a leak in the tub faucets.
 
 It’s basically the cat’s bathroom. 
 
 
 
 
Last weekend, when 
The Cornish Hen’s
 
  
  
mother , 
 The Mother Hen, 
 
 
 
was here for an overnight ,The Cornish Hen herself demanded that her mother sleep in the then guest bedroom  right next to the above mentioned bathroom for convenience…..
 but it didn’t really work out, mainly because Grandmom absolutely refused to use the litter box.
 
So, recognizing it wouldn’t work, I,  Walter FilterMAINE, moved the guest room downstairs to the lower level the next day….to a big almost-finished big room next to the “office d’ hen laCorniche”,  complete with a 1/2 bath just a few steps away. 
 
 
But it needed finishing…framing the window, baseboards, finishing the walls , etc
 
Well, another  Jew was once a carpenter 
 
 
 
and we all know that carpentry is a skill that skips 
every 2,000 generations amongst The Chosen.
 
HENCE WHEN THE CALL RANG OUT
 
 
 
I KNEW IT WAS MY TIME !!!
 
 
I am happy to report…..I got the job done! 
 
There were a few minor setbacks ….. but none nearly as difficult as those related to me by the Hebraic King of Home Repair himself , one Steven “Half Wiener” Klotz of Flori-DUH , in this  anecdote below :
 
 I  (Klotz) was up on an aluminum ladder using a large round-bladed saw to carve out a shelf from a closet we were going to replace.  Having a rough time of it, too, insofar as I couldn’t figure out how to go about it.  I’m really bad at this.   I unknowingly placed the foot of the ladder on the power cord, pressing into it from my weight, so as soon as I switched on the saw, house current went up the ladder and straight into me — did I mention I was barefoot and dripping wet from sweat?The shock froze my fingers onto the switch so I couldn’t release it.  Now I’m up on a ladder getting zapped by a power saw with a spinning blade I can’t release. 
 
 
  
 
 I more or less jumped/fell off the ladder, stopping the current from going through me, which released my hand.  The still-spinning saw fell about 7 feet to the terrazzo floor, very fortunately not hitting me, breaking into pieces, or damaging the floor. When I could walk again I grabbed a beer.  End of THAT project.  And every other one, too.I
 
 
Yet another Jewish Handyman friend , Martin L. Bernstein, once tried to  install his  new washing machine in the kitchen of his apartment forgetting to turn off the hot water as he removed the hose from the water line becoming the first of a long line of kitchen-based Great Lakes Warriors; this lake in his own kitchen.
 
Another, one Jeff Lyon, once attempted to remove  a toilet seat by hitting the stuck plastic screw with a hammer. This original ‘mythbuster’ showed all of us just how many pieces a toilet actually breaks in to.
 
Hence, my friend, Dr Jeff the Podiatrist,  warned me to stay away from all tools
  
with power when he heard the news  of my upcoming carpentry .
 
 
I replied that I only use tools with a power cord…..
as the cord is quite handy for staunching the blood flow upon accidental dis-memberment.
 
Well, to the foot specialist and all who doubted,  I say,
 
“The job is done, the room completed…. 
I still have all the toes I started with and
 as you can see below , there was no need for podiatrist Jeff to selfishly worry,
  as it didn’t affect his toe harvesting experiment one bit.”
 
 
 
 
 
Come visit. Its lovely!
 
 
Faithfully yours
Falter WilterMAINE
 
NO MOVIES THIS WEEK. MY NETFLIX GOT LOST IN THE MAIL. SAD BUT TRUE.

July 15, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

7/1/12 from Walter FilterMAINE

*******************
 
IMPORTANT FROM MY GREAT CHICAGO BUDDY MARTY BERNSTEIN ON THE  NEW REALITY TV SHOW HE CREATED AND PRODUCES FOR THE HISTORY CHANNEL
Check out the YouTube promo for his  new  show
GREAT LAKES WARRIORS
about Tugboat captains and crews on the Great Lakes.
It premieres on Thursday, July 19th at 9pm Central,10 eastern
 
 
AND NOW
 
The Weekly Adventures of
Walter FilterMaine
7/2/12
 
Even though she still has teeth, my dear spouse
 
  
 
THE CORNISH HEN 
 
 
already fits right into 
The Maine Way of Thinking.
 
 
It didn’t take long !
As we sat on the front porch of the new house…
 
 
 
, she asked me  the difference between a squirrel
 
 
 
 and a chipmunk, 
 
having just seen a chipmunk scamper across our  lawn.
 
“Was that a squirrel or a chipmunk?” , she asked nuttily. 
 
 I explained to her that squirrels are the bushy tailed, cute, greyish rats that stole our bird food in Swampscott ….. 
and that chipmunks are like Disney’s “Chip and Dale”.
 
 
 
Yes, Chip and Dale , the two Disney cartoon chipmunks; one of the few animal species 
that are both brown and also enjoy dancing hand in hand.
 
Sadly, she had never heard of  “Chip and Dale” , but she went on,
 “Ahh, brown….so that was a chipmunk. Do  chipmunks live in cheese ?”
 
She meant ‘trees’ , of course,  but the ‘ch’ in chipmunk overpowered her.
 
Luckily for her , I , Walter FilterMaine, 
am a  well known expert on the habitat of small, woodland creatures, 
so I responded with correct information,
 ‘Indeed  they do…who do you think makes the holes?”
 
 
 
********************************
 
Cahh Inspection
 
 
 
 
Just got a Maine inspection for the cahs at Mike’s Repah’s in Pahhsohnfield, next town ovah.
 
 
 
 Mike’s a true Mainah.
 
I’m sitting in the drivah’s seat in the cah ….. and Mike is standing in front of the cah for the inspection ,
 screaming instructions while he looks on:
 
“Lights”, says Mike
 
I turn on the lights
 
“OK. High Beams”
 
I turn on the high beams
 
“Yup, OK, Turn Signals”
 
I turn on the signals
 
“Ok, now owen”
 
“Huh”
 
“owen”
 
“What??”
 
” owen, Mr. FilterMaine”
 
” Mike what the hell are you saying?”
 
” Ah’m sayin’ to honk the fuckin’ owen”
 
 
 
So I honked the fuckin’ owen and both cars passed inspection. 
Total cost : $12.50 peh cah x 2 = $25.00
 
******************
 
Walter FilterMaine’s 
MOVIE UPDATE
new DVD player all hooked up . Thank you for that and all else you did this week to Bennett FilterMaine
 
J.Edgar
 
 
Directed by Clint Eastwood and starring Leonardo DiCaprio, you’d think this’d be a terrific movie about everyone’s favorite power-hungry transvestite, the real-life ‘Norman Bates” of the Department of Justice, the one and only  J Edgar Hoover. It wasn’t even a good movie. It was overlong, over written and had some of the worst aging make-up I’ve ever seen. Wasn’t even bad enough to be funny. 
Where’s Ed Wood when we need him the most?>
 
*************************
One of the great ones, NORA EPHRON, died this week. 
 
It’s a real loss. Besides everything else, she wrote one of the single, funniest film lines ever…in “When Harry met Sally”, when Meg Ryan ( America’s all time favorite shickseh ) was faking the orgasm at the deli,, at which point Mrs. Carl Reiner…director Rob’s mom…..playing a diner at the deli , said to the waiter,
 
 “I’ll have what she’s having!” . 
 
 
For that line alone, Nora…..for that line alone
RIP 
 
BTW, her mom and dad , Phoebe and Henry, wrote the Gregory Peck film,”Captain Newman, MD”,  for which singer/actor Bobby Darin was nominated for a supporting actor Oscar back in 1963 or so ……Darin lost to Melvyn Douglas who won for  ‘Hud” ….   who was married to Helen Gahagan Douglas …. whom Richard Nixon smeared as a commie to win his first election to the US Senate in 1950 in California ( btw, she coined the “Tricky Dick” nickname for him) ….
 
 
 
which finally proves what I’ve said all along, that 
Nora Ephron and Richard Nixon were actually one and the same person.
You can’t argue with logic like that .
*******************
 
Actress Doris Singleton also died this week at age 92.
 
I hate when they go so young………….makes you think, doesn’t it?
She played Caroline Appleby on “I Love Lucy” ( she’s the friend Lucy tricks in the Harpo Marx mimic episode) , she was one of the great TV character actresses of the 1950’s -early 60’s 

July 1, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

6/3/12

MMMMMMM
 
MASSPUBE/ MASSPUBETTE MAINE MOVE MAKES MASSPUBE MANIACAL
 
Dateline : Cornish, right next to Beefish, Maine
 
Frankly it was easier to partition India and Pakistan in 1948 and move all the god damn Moslems north and the asshat  Hindus south….hundreds of millions trading places …….
 
 
with less back and forth driving  than the Masspube and MassPubette  are doing.
 
Closing was last Tuesday. Went smoothly. House in great shape . It’s really a nice place.
 
But we are still down here in Swampscott,MA  as we await some medical tests on the newly named Hip-Pubette, but with or without her hip, we hope to be there by June 25th with a move of all the household goods on the 21st.
 
Or not………………..whatever
 
Its 2 hours from here each way. 
Never one to complain, I was up there and back Tuesday to close. 
 
Then Thursday I met some  contractors and get cable set up, sitting there from 7:45 am waiting for the cable guy who was scheduled for 8 to noon….who got there at 2pm.
Then Saturday: to meet another contractor ….. with The MassPubette who inspected  the new house ; 
like Ann Romney does before the maid leaves each evening.
 
 
 
I am happy to report that, though not easily amused,  
 
 
our MassPubette  
was mostly pleased.  
 
 
Electrician came on Thursday. 
Estimates $500-800 to clean up electrical wiring mess that former owner, 
Old Blind “Lightnin’, created when he wired it himself.
 
 “Lightnin”  is nowhere to be found, but there were a lot of ashes near the circuit breaker box.
 
Plumber came  on Thursday and fixes bathroom hot water leak.
 
 Charges $100.00 and then we discover there’s no oil in the furnace
 and it was just dripping cold water and we’re ripping it out anyway.
 
Cable guy came and hooks us to Time Warner  and spends the first hour saying 
 “What the f**k?”  Who in hell hooked up this cable? 
Wasn’t  a guy named “Old Blind Lightnin’ by any chance ,
 was it?”.
 
We actually followed one line of cable through an entire downstairs room and after walking all four walls where it was stapled found that it was hooked to itself.
 
He gets it all together, does a nice job and leaves at 4 pm for his 10:30 am appointment .
After he drives away , I note  that he forgot to put a phone jack in my new office room. 
Upon my next phone call, a very ‘customer service -oriented’ Time Warner said “No problem” and asked me to be sure and be there for the time that they immediately  scheduled this 2nd appointment for :
anytime  between 8 and noon  Thursday June 7th ,2012 through anytime between  8 and noon Friday June 8th, 2046.
 
We now have Maine license plates and, most importantly,  a “Cornish Memorial Library”  card, 
where they are anxiously awaiting the new first novel by an unknown , 
 
 
Louisa May Alcott. 
 
Til next week
Mainer G Krebs
 

June 3, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

4/29/12

masspube with the monday
4/29/12
 
 
HERE AT L’MANSE PUBE
 
 
 PACKING CONTINUES UNABATED 
 
It now seems that the closing date on the new house will be May 29th, 
the day after Memorial Day
 or, as Mainers like to call it, ‘almost winter again”.
 
summer’s always fun in Maine
 
 
 We have packed approximately 22,000 boxes of absolutely vital goods for life in Maine.
 
 All that’s left here are a few articles of my clothing, the three that still fit…..
 and my food supply, 
just barely enough to get me through May including;
  700 lbs. of fresh herring 
 60 Entemann’s cheesecakes
 and
 
  74 boxes of Matzos 
 
plus 
The MassPubette’s 
complete personal food supply ,
consisting of 11 brussel sprouts
and 4,000 rolls of toilet paper.
 
 
Yes, it’s sparse, but frankly I miss nothing. 
In fact I like the boxes better than the shit we packed in them.
 
We’ll be moving to southern Maine ,so I’m packing appropriately for the warm southern weather.
 Hence we’re bringing my old Flori-DUH plaid Bermuda shorts, my complete NFL team logo set of tank tops and 
,of course,   my summer ,white yarmulkes, so we don’t stand out …..
 
 
 
I’m also packing my special ‘coconut glass” for my every evening Pina Colada on the porch,
 giving new meaning in February to “frozen Pina Colada”….
which always reminds me of the  song:
 
 
 
If you like Pina Coladas,
getting caught in the rain.
If you’re also into moose turds,
then move up to Maine.
 
Coming with us in the car hooked onto  our brand new gun rack are
 a couple of shotguns ,purchased to ward off the black flies… 
 
newborn baby blackfly shown actual size below.
 
 
 
NO MASSPUBE NEXT WEEK. I’LL BE AWAY NEXT SATURDAY THROUGH WEDS NIGHT, MAY 5-9
 
 
Mass and Pube and the Flickers
 
 
The Descendants
We liked this movie starring George Clooney; it was thoughtful; even more than thoughtful than say “Iron Man 2”. If I had paid $8.00 or $9.00  a ticket for it, I would have expected the price included a hooker, but for $1.29 at Redbox, it was a-ok. The MassPubette really liked it. Well written by Alexander Payne who wrote SIDEWAYS and btw, this is not a light-hearted comedy.

April 29, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

4/9/12

MONDAY WITH THE MASSPUBE 4/9/12
THE RAIN  IN MAINE  ROLLS PLAINLY TO OUR DRAIN
 
 
Finishing up the deal on the Maine house this week after talking to the mold removal guy 
whom me and our realtor only refer to as 
“Mold Man”
aka
 
 
This whole process took forever  because we all mold over his first estimate for a few weeks 
Upon completion, I took him out for a drink and he ordered Hot Mold Cider.
When he was born, they threw away the mold …..and now he feels like he’s mold before his time .
He’s writing his auto-biography about business espionage  when he retires ….which will be called …. 
“The Guy who Came in from the Mold”
and then he sang for me his favorite business song,
  “Baby, its Mold outside”.
 
Luckily our mold is a minor issue 
 
 
 
 
Mold Man is remediating it at current owner’s expense with a non-carcinogenic blend of chemicals
 , supposedly….. although he was hard to understand ,what with all the projectile vomiting 
 followed by the 5-8 minute coughing, hacking and wheezing  fits….
and, if he lasts,  he offers a 30 year guarantee .
 
Considering I’ll be 94 then,
 
   
I asked him to reduce it to a twenty year guarantee, so , at least,  I’d have chance of cashing in on it.
 
********************************
 
MASSPUBE’S  ‘MIXED RACE” FAMILY  CELEBRATES 2012 PEASTER  SEASON
 
Perhaps you do not know this, but “The Family MassPube” is of mixed race;
  made up of  Jewish ( MassPube)  and other (The MassPubette) 
 
Hence we begin the readings for the holiday with ancient ecumenical script:
 
There was a young gentile named Paul
who went  to a Passover costume ball.
He thought he would risk it
and came dressed as a briskit,
  
but a Jew ate him up in the hall.
 
It’s PEASTER
 
the ecumenical holiday when we celebrate how  Jesus led the Hebrews from Egypt, 
walking them over the Red Sea, and is sadly captured on the Egyptian side by Pharoah’s army just 
 because he waited too long for his bread to rise …….
 
  (“Oy vay ,this is delicious , it’s a vonder” he yelled)
 
 
 
 … and is then resurrected to heaven after Pharoah crucifies him .
 
 
 
  PEASTER 
is the holiday for all. 
 
If you think that story’s nuts,wait’ll you hear the one the other guys  cooked up.
 
 For dinner we’ll be having briskit with 3-Bean salad and a slice of Wonder Bread. 
 
And for dessert, Jewish Coffee Cake ( made with real sour cream) and Arab coffee (made with real sour Arabs).
 
My favorite part is when the Jews color all the matza boards and hide them around the yard 
so gentile children can look for them and find them …. so that they feel successful , 
 
 
while the Jewish children, ages 4 and up,  use the time more wisely to study for their medical boards.
 
Mention this E mail and receive a free pass to opening night 
of the new ecumenical 3-D  Peaster  movie at a theatre near you… 
 
JESUS CHRIST, SUPERJEW
 
 
 
FEEL FREE TO SING ALONG TO THE THEME SONG IN THE THEATRE
 
Jesus Christ , SuperJew,
Used the leftover briskit to make a stew.
He’s our guy!
He won’t sink us!
Who’d guess that his real name 
 was Irving Pincus?
 
*****************************************************************

MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES
 
 
 
YOUNG ADULT with Charlize Theron and Patton Oswalt was OK. About an alcoholic, very depressed young writer of fiction who becomes obsessed with her old boyfriend when she hears that he and his wife just had a a baby  and concocts an insane  plan to win him back. It’s a dark movie with a light side….and seemed  far-fetched, until we remembered that we know someone who did exactly that with obvious results.
 

April 8, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

3/19/12

MAINE REALTY AGENCY MAKES MAJOR SALE
REALTOR’S DREAM COMES TRUE
 
In a major transaction between our beloved  realtor in Maine and The MassPube family ,
last Saturday he sold us two  Saccopee Valley ‘Local Business’ Discount Coupon Books for $20.00 each.
 
 
 
 Included in his sales pitch  for the booklets was the mention of a $50.00 gift certificate in each book from his real estate firm
for use at the local business of our choice ‘upon a completed transaction’.
 
I gave him the $40.00
He gave us the coupon books.
I asked for my two gift certificates.
He said “Only upon a completed transaction”
 
I said, “This is a completed transaction.We’re sitting in your office . I gave you $40 and you gave me the coupon books…hence I ‘d like the certificates now unless you’d like to deal with my attorneys who, frankly, can be real dicks.”
 
 
 
Frightened , like a deer in the headlights,  at the sound of a Jew mentioning the word “attorney”
 
 
 
he said, “All right. What local business do you want the certificates made out to?”
 
I answered , “Remax , down the street. We’re buying a house today.”
 
 
 
AND WE DID…………..from him, not REMAX. 
 
Mostly because he promised us a ride in his  real estate balloon!
 
 
 
We still have inspection to go through before its final (Monday 3/19as in tomorrow ) , but we did purchase a house in Cornish Maine ( which is southern Maine, exactly in between Portland and North Conway, NH) 2 hours north of where we are now) exactly where we wanted to be….on a hill with nice views ….in seemingly excellent condition…..on 5 forested acres with a huge  garage and an above ground swimming pool with a deck, a brand new kitchen, 5 bedrooms including a master suite, finished basement, total  first floor living if we wish …………and 2 1/2 baths 
 
 
and I won’t embarrass you by telling you how much it cost except to say 
 that its approximately the same price as your house……………..in 1945.
 
 
 
Beautiful part of the world and I know you’ll want to visit. 
(For example, this is Mount Washington , btw, in New Hampshire’s White Mountains
 which we have a clear view of  1/2 mile away from the house )
 
So I have already taken the liberty of booking you in….
for Feb 3-5, 2019. 
We’ll be out of town at a bowel cleansing conference for the elderly that weekend! 
Please feed the cat and clean his litter box daily.
 
****************************
 
OUT OF “LUCK”
 
 
 
HBO’s terrific new horse -racing drama series
LUCK
…….. a series with great acting, great writing and extremely realistic photography; cinematography so real that its just as though the horses were actually injured and had to be put down… has been cancelled  because , so far, in filming it, three horses have been killed.
 
Oh?
 
Well, HBO also offers 
Life’s Too Short, 
 
 
 
 
the comedy/pretend documentary ( like “The Office”) concerning the ‘has-been” , dwarf British actor Warwick Davis….. produced , written and directed by Ricky Gervais and Stephen Merchant.
 
 Extremely sick humor and absolutely hysterical …….and what concerns me, and I’m sure it concerns others who watch the show too,  is that it too will be cancelled if dwarfs face any life-threatening dangers or are hurt or killed during production….and cancelling it for flimsy reasons like that would be a shame because it is such a funny show.
 
Horses, I get…but dwarfs?  Hell, they can’t even run that fast. 
 
It is my hope that LUCK doesn’t start some sort of trend.
 
Like all of us, I realize that dwarfs were put here to here to share our world  for things like dwarf -bowling 
and for portraying  Munchkins and Ewoks ….and , that said, it is my hope that Ricky Gervais stands up for his series ,
 
should some liberal heart start bleeding near him.
 
Check out the series. It’s funny.
 
**********************
MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES
 
Watched 
1.  Cookie’s Fortune , the Robert Altman film from 1999 which was terrific. Had never seen it before
    2.  The Razor’s Edge from 1946 with the one and only Tyrone Power, remade in 1981 with Bill Murray.

3. Taking my niece and nephew to see ‘John Carter’ today

March 18, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

3/12/12

Monday with the MassPube 3/12/12
 
MASSPUBETTE REPORTS ON THE CELTICS 
 
Last Sunday we watched a great game, Celtics-Knicks and the Celts pulled it out in overtime, 115-111.
 Rondo scored 18 and it was a great effort all around.
 
 
 
On Tuesday, I get a call from  The MassPubette, calling in from the car on the way into work, to tell me that she just heard on the radio that we missed the “second”  Celtics -Knicks game on Monday night … and that the Celtics won 115-111 in overtime and Rondo scored 18 and it was a great effort all around.
 
I thought to myself,”Wow, there’s a coincidence “, so I checked it out and sho’nuff, there was no Monday game !
 
Of course, WUMB, the  folk music station that she listens to 
 
 
(motto: We’re not DUMB . We’re WUMB” “) 
 
had simply missed a day and reported a Sunday game on Tuesday ….  probably because  their folksy sports director , Sprots Klotz (below)  had found out that, in fact,  the answer, my friend, was blowing something into the wind …..as in:
 
 
 “Oh man, like what happened to Monday , Dude. I gotta cut down on the Humboldt Gold…read this Celtics stuff  and get me coffee”. 
 
The MassPubette, after hearing other  Tuesday WUMB sports news,  reports that …
 
The Red Sox have traded Babe Ruth to the Yankees 
and 
The Indianapolis Colts will select Peyton Manning in the first round of the NFL draft 
and
James J. Braddock defeated Max Baer for the World’s Heavyweight Championship
 
***********
(btw, if you want to see one of the best boxing movies ever, 
watch Ron Howard’s “Cinderella Man”, a movie few saw which  is absolutely great,
 the story of James J Braddock with Russell Crowe, Renee Zellwegger, Paul Giamatti and Bruce McGill.
 
********************************
 
MOUSE MUNTING IN HAINE
I mean
HOUSE HUNTING IN MAINE
 
Our realtor in Maine 
 
 
(God, he looks familiar)
 
has shown us 2200 houses. 
 
The only houses he missed showing us in all of Maine were ones his own company and agents  listed, 
even though they seemingly meet our requirements exactly. 
 
Why?
 
Hmm, well, he has become more and more snobby as we drive around Maine  with him every Saturday since 1974
 
 
 
  and perhaps after spending so much time with us,
 
, he chooses not to have The MassPubette as a neighbor .
 
 
Or maybe it’s his wife who , right after she met us , got out a mathematical compass and a map of the area 
and drew a wide circle on the map  with their house in the center ……..
 
and wrote
if you put them anywhere inside this circle, I’m moving out..and I’m taking the dog!”
 
Yet, we remain drawn to him like moth to a porch-light…….although ,so far , the best place we’ve seen is his office.
 
The only  sales comparison I can make would be someone calling an ultra-conservative talk radio station 
 and saying that they’d like to sponsor a 
” drug addicted ,egomaniacal, woman-hating  blabbermouth who spouts venomous nonsense out of his blowhole for 3 hours a day”
 
 
 
and the salesguy says, 
 
 
“Sorry, we have no one who fits that criteria. Try WUMB”
 
 
***************************
 
LITTLE MASSPUBE’S 25TH BIRTHDAY ….(MARCH 9) …..GREETINGS FROM DADA
 
 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU
YES,TO LITTLE MASSPOO
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO LITTLE MASSPUBE 
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YUBE
 
 
 
 
MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES 
 
HBO’S GAME CHANGE
 
 
 
Good flick and great acting all around with Woody Harrelson and Julianne Moore and Ed Harris as we learn about how Sarah Palin came to be and that basically she loves her family, is seemingly a decent person but is just so god damn unworldly and stupid…… and simply got caught in a whirlwind of a mess for just those reasons….. and to me, this movie quite simply places 98% of the blame squarely on the McCain campaign staff that did not vet  her and realized too late that she is about as qualified  to be president  as Harry , my office goldfish, ( who , fyi is now polling ahead of Romney in Alabama and Mississippi after Harry  announced on Thursday.) . 
 
I honestly believe Palin  was too stupid to even know what she needed to know…and thought, “he’s asking, why not?”; like her irresponsible daughter  did when Levi asked if he could place his huge weiner  inside her ‘down there’ for a few moments.
 
I thought the best lines of the movie was when she wanted to join in the concession speech and Steve Schmidt made the speech about the right way to concede in a momentous moment.

March 11, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

3/5/12

MONDAY WITH THE MASSPUBE 
3/5/12
 
AS JEWS AGE
part 1 of an ongoing medical series of warning to other aging  Jews 
 and those who may come in contact with them
 
ANTI-MONKEE SYNDROME
 
So far, only one case  in the US, but be warned, there are three more Monkees to go. 
 
As some of you may know, Davy Jones, late of The Monkees and inventor of the sea-going death locker, died of a heart attack this week. 
 
In the NY Times obit  , this was the last paragraph:
Perhaps Mr. Jones’s most enduring legacy takes the form of a name. The name belongs to another English musician, who burst on the scene some years after the Monkees. This man, too, had been born David Jones. But thanks to the Monkees’ renown, he knew he would have to adopt another name entirely if he was to have the hope of a career.So he called himself David Bowie.
 
Innocent enough ending anecdote thought I, so I nicely sent it to my fellow NYT reader , a David Bowie fan and professional bony- assed snob, also a  man with a temper so vile we must use the psuedonym ” Steven S Klootz”  lest he turn violent and attack his neighbors…..
 
He  wrote back immediately ……. after swallowing 30 Valium to
 keep calm after reading the inflammatory prose in that paragraph:
 
I rather despised the Monkees, and looking back, I see that they were just another in the long list of reasons that teevee blows dead artifacts.  They were even less genuine than Milli Vanilli, and the bubble gum pop written for them to lip-synch and perform like trained apes (hence the name?) had me slamming my fingers into thw car radio to change stations.  Plus the wholesome we’re-not-druggies-and-scum-like-those-Beatles-and-Stones message for the teeny-boppers to gtoove to.  Gag me.Not that I’d expect the Fugs to have a teevee show.
 
Well, there’s a normal response. ….50 years later !
 
What could I say, so I wrote him back and reminded him to a) go eat some matzahs and calm down & b) to remember that “Rise of the Planets of the Apes” , which he had recently seen, was , in fact , fiction……. and his wife should have made that clear before she strapped him down to watch it…..
 
 
 
and then, most importantly , that The Monkees meant him no harm. And in fact, they weren’t even real monkeys.
 
He  (below left, visiting his mom at assisted living) seems to have calmed down a little and 
is once again letting his wife  pull bugs and twigs out of his fur .
 
 
 
********************************************
AS GENTILES AGE
part 1 of an ongoing series
 
Long time diet of  Wonder Bread and Oleo proves to end conversational ability early
 
 
One of my good friends, a college professor, psychology, no less  wrote me an e mail to tell me he is retiring at the end of the semester and wrote , “and they even gave me a great exit agreement”.
 
I called him the next day and said , “Good news about retiring . What was the exit agreement about?”
 
His answer, “I can’t tell you !. Its a secret. I can tell no one.”
 
 
 
My response , “then why the hell did you bring it up. I’ll have to assume 
 that you were fired for having sex with the school team mascot, “Bah Bah the Ram”
 
 
 and that they gave you severance once they extricated you from Bah Bah  and 
that the agreement was because Bah Bah told human resources since their was a kid inside the suit..”
 
 
 
I then invited he and his lovely, always-organized wife to come visit us in Maine  when our house deal happens.
 
“Great,   when….. and where will you be buying”, he asked
 
I replied, “I’m sorry , I can’t tell you that. Its in the secret agreement between me and the house. Why are you asking?”
 
 
 
MASS AND PUBE AND THE MOVIES 
 
50/50
 
 
 
50/50 with Joseph Gordon Levitt  and Seth Rogen is a very funny and touching movie about a 27 year old guy 
who gets serious cancer …..and his best friend’s reactions  during treatment . Just a really good movie with good acting…
Anna Kendrick and Angelica Huston. are also in the cast. 
 
*******************
 
HANNA
 
 
On HBO last night, contrived horseshit by the end, but which starts off beautifully thought out and photographed and then…..well it had a secret  agreement it could not tell the audience. It was just between the director and the camera. Someday he’ll let all of us know.. Cate Blanchette and Eric Bana are the stars Recommended by my friend  Thorvald  who is excellent on recommending historic epics ( Anonymous and Perfume) but sucks at all others.  

March 4, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

2/27/2012

monday with the masspube 2/27/12
NEWS FROM THE EXETER BOOK CLUB
Here’s the bad news:
All members of  The MassPubette’s  all-female Book Club are getting an “I’m with Stupid” T shirt , …everybody except The MassPubette.
 
I won’t go into the lurid details but suffice it to say that when one of the members made a joke and said something like she’d “never move to Virginia because the government is trying to put too many things into her ‘hoohah” ( referring to VA’s idiotic bill about vaginal ultrasounds before abortions that was vetoed by the governor) ……..
 
…….the word “Hoo Hah” sadly  and immediately short-circuited The MassPubette’s  translation modem which went out of date, even on her home  planet, 30 years ago as The MassPubette thought the woman was announcing that she had a penis.
 
And then, to add insult to injury, The MassPubette immediately invoked Amendment  17 of The Exeter Book Club constitution (The “No-Boys Allowed” amendment),  demanding that the woman with the penis  resign immediately.
 
She’s been mixed up  ever since she was assigned to memorize this limerick in 3rd grade
 
  for Show and Tell .
 
There was a gay young man from Khartoum
who took a lesbian up to his room.
They argued all night
Over who had the right
To do what and with which and to whom.
and to this day she mixes up trains and tunnels, hot dogs and doughnuts,swords and scabbards, plugs and outlets and thermometers and rectums .
But the tale has a happy ending. 
The club re-voted and they got The MassPubette a T-Shirt too
 
 
AND FYI  SERVED FOR DINNER AT THE LAST MEETING  OF THE BOOK CLUB
    
MENU TAKEN FROM “THE KLINGON KOSHER  KOOKBOOK”
**********************************************
FROM

  

A WEDDING ANNOUNCEMENT 

Your MassPube likes to read through the wedding announcements each Sunday to see which brides I’d like to bonk and  I stumbled upon this announcement  last week, re Bill Kristol’s daughter, no less.  See if you can spot the hypocrisy……and btw, she did not make the list! I have very high standards.

 
 

Anne Kristol and Matthew Continetti

Published: February 19, 2012

Anne Elizabeth Kristol, a daughter of Susan S. Kristol and William Kristol of McLean, Va., is to be married Sunday evening to Matthew Joseph Continetti, a son of Cathy Continetti and Joseph F. Continetti of Springfield, Va. Rabbi David Kalender is to officiate at the Ritz-Carlton in Washington.

  

The bride, 26, who will be taking her husband’s name, is studying for a master’s in secondary education at George Washington University. She graduated from Washington University in St. Louis.Her father is the editor of The Weekly Standard, the political journal, in Washington. The bride is a granddaughter of Gertrude Himmelfarb, the historian and author, and the late Irving Kristol, the political commentator and author.The bridegroom, 30, is the editor of The Washington Free Beacon, a political Web site, and works in Washington. He is also a contributing editor for The Weekly Standard. He is the author of “The K Street Gang: The Rise and Fall of the Republican Machine” and “The Persecution of Sarah Palin: How the Elite Media Tried to Bring Down a Rising Star.” He graduated from Columbia.

What an odd place for Matty Bridegroometti to announce his wedding !
Because Matty the Bridegroom had no problem de-nouncing  the so-called ‘elite’ media  in his book about how Sarah was demonized , but he also seems to have no problem at all in announcing his own wedding in the same horrid, liberal  elitist media he so disdains; just to be sure that their ‘oh-so-few’ elitist friends and relatives see it .
And non-elite kudos to him for agreeing to  having the wedding at “the YMCA of the non -elite”, The Ritz Carlton….
Matt’s next book is auto-biographical : 
DOUCHEBAG : 
How the Elite Media Announced my Wedding
For lovely  little Anne they could have just announced  the wedding to the non-elitist readership of The 
 
and for bridegroom Matt Continetti , they could have gone  instead  for 
 The Italian Daily News
  whose motto is 
 
“We print every time a dagos by”
**********************
 NO MOVIES THIS WEEK. DIDN’T WATCH A SINGLE ONE.

February 26, 2012 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment